It's good to hear I'm not the only one with the eye contact thing — I also noticed about myself that if I'm looking in another person's eyes, it means their words aren't really registering in my head.

This also came up when trying EMDR in a mental health setting, where you're supposed to follow the therapist's pointer with your eyes while thinking about past events. I found that I couldn't think about anything else except making sure my eyes were following the pointer; directing my gaze took up all the available mental bandwidth.

I will readily admit that even when I know my counterpart is neurodivergent, I still have issues adjusting my expectations and reactions. Without practice with repeated interactions over time it’s hard to mentally pivot. Sometimes I find it’s easier for me if we have the same conversations over a voice call where the body language element is removed entirely.

Thanks for sharing this insight!

Computer Science majors at Northeastern University had a required theater class called "The Eloquent Presenter" when I was there that largely consisted of improv games. Some students dreaded it, but my cohort was largely fun and very low anxiety compared to the other required courses.

There was one exercise in particular that broke people, sometimes to tears. The class sat along the wall with the professor sitting at the far end from a door that the student being examined would enter through. That student would walk toward the center of the room, stop, and present themselves to the class, "Hi my name is X". The professor would then critique the subtle mannerisms of the person - their walk was too hasty, they spoke too quietly, they shuffled their feet, etc. The student then walked back out the door and repeated the exercise, until the professor approved their performance.

Some students repeated the introduction a dozen or more times (a few cried at this point), some passed on the first attempt.

I remember many of my classmates hating this process, but the more I reflect the more I believe it was genius to make us experience that extreme social awkwardness. Real life, and I believe real success, exists in the interactions between ourselves and others.

it's funny that this came up on HN only an hour after I finished writing about Oscar Wilde's advice from the late 19th century. It is hard to two such lists being more different, in fact they are only similar in that they are numbered and that they are advice, really. Just a funny coincidence and interesting to compare and contrast. Maybe you'll enjoy Wilde's rules as well.

https://coldewey.cc/2026/08/on-oscar-wildes-phrases-and-phil...

Why is that; is the blog database-dacked?

I’m genuinely happy you had this experience. I also keep coming back here because although maybe 10% of content rises above that bar, nowhere else does at all anymore.

2010 Reddit was like this, to the point I’d feel I was incurring an opportunity cost if I didn’t read it. Today it’s a sewage pile.

Mostly people just want to talk, at least initially, I've found you are much more likely to make connections with people by asking them questions than trying to introduce them to things. That can come later.

edit: by talk maybe i mean "speak" but I don't mean it to sound quite so harsh/jaded.. Just how most people seem to work until you know them better.

#20 indicates "breaking rapport with body language" which I interpreted as looking away, shifty, crossing arms, standing at angle, fidgeting, and other behaviours neurotypicals may construe or indicate as not paying attention. In other bullet points, I think it broadly means non-paralelizing or non-matching behaviour - different energy levels, volume, disagreements, different humour vs seriousness levels, etc.

See my root-level comment about potentially different behaviour and semantics for neurodivergent :).

I take it to mean upsetting the flow of conversation.

For example, suppose you're at a party, talking in depth about a football team's season and they say something unrelated like "Oh by the way have you seen John?". It is usually a polite way to try to wrap up a conversation. A polite response would be something that graciously gives them permission to change the subject or leave, for example, "I think I saw him outside, maybe go take a look?".

Sometimes it takes the form of bored body language and sentences that don't lead the conversation onwards, e.g. "Yeah that's crazy" or "Well, what can you do...". In that scenario I like to give the conversation a respectable death, e.g. "Well, all we can do is hope for a better season in 2027!".

I take it to mean that non-verbal language like either turning toward or turning away indicates whether the person likes you and wants to be in your presence. If you have a signal that you've built rapport don't screw it up by breaking that trust.

By rapport, I believe the author means non-verbal cues that the other person is interested.

Some cues include the person physically squaring up to you front to front instead of being at an angle to you. Another cue could be touching you on the shoulder or forearm. For me the most obvious tell is that they are laughing or giggling.

Breaking rapport means the other person wants to disengage without offending you. I usually make the excuse I need to take a breather.

i'll give it a shot: you and i meet and start to talk about the weather, then slowly get to some personal questions, and i mention that i prefer quieter places when talking to people.

later, when going out with friends, if i ask "where should we go to talk", and you suggest someplace obviously loud and not great for conversation, this could be seen as a mild form of misunderstanding something i communicated previously about a personal preference in a given situation: breaking rapport

I interpret 'breaking rapport' as doing something that makes the other person feel less connected to you. For example, bluntly contradicting them, dismissing something they said, teasing them when they are not comfortable with it, looking away while they are talking, or turning your attention to your phone. Anything that shifts the interaction from "we are connecting" to "there is distance between us."

It means to disagree in a playful, teasing and confident way. You can even take it to an absurd level: "I like your dress except I hate the color blue."

HTTP is super extra.

Ha!

I've encountered many Romanians where I live (in all walks of society). I used to always point out I'd seen the movie (Mihai Viteazul).[1]

It never built any kind of connection with them.

Years later, I found out that most Romanians outside of Romania either hate their country, or at least have enough bad memories they want to forget it. For good reason! Bringing up this movie was not a point of connection.

[1] I've not found any proof, but I will swear that Braveheart is just a copy of this movie, adapted to Scotland.

never squish the vibe

Thanks! The site got hugged to HTTP 500 death.

This is a great list. I didn't disagree with a single point. Some of those lessons took me far too many years to learn myself.

What? I'd really like to know what you mean by both of these sentences.

>Very neurotypical coded article.

Does this mean that this article doesn't cater to those who are neurodivergent? It almost seems like this would be most valuable to those who aren't well equipped in social situations, like many neurodivergent people.

Are you referring to the way it is written? The subject matter? The specific recommendations?

>Many of these points are rather harsh and invalid.

I can kind of get invalid (I think it's best to assume each of these requires nuance and aren't universal rules you can blindly follow), but what about any of these are harsh?

Such as?

‘Neurotypical’ is starting to seem more and more like a slur every day.