I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are here and are sharing this with folks like me. I lost my child, mom, and wife, all back to back in accidents. I really have lost all the will to live. Like... I have made peace with everything tbh! I did think about everything, but I couldn't do it because of dad. And then at a point we both thought about it ending it all, but eventually I found my support system with my friends. Support system + meds + therapy... are helping me keep functioning these days. Reaching out is the first step.
And I try think about this the same way about my birth. I really cannot say what it was like before... So death is kind of the same. But the 'inbetween' matters. At least it mattered in my case. For now, it helps to live just by the day and not think beyond it.
If anyone is reading this and is in a dark place please know that things can be better with the right support and help.
I guess Noaidi, me, and other folks here are proof that it all works.
I'm really sorry you have gone through that. I have been pretty deeply depressed a couple times in past, to the point of considering suicide. What I share with people is that in those periods, it truly felt like things weren't going to get better and I was just going to be in emotional pain indefinitely.
But gradually, things got better in my life. I have had so much joy in the 20 years since. I still have bad days sometimes, but on the whole, I feel such a sense of gratitude.
I can't promise anyone that their own situation will get better. I can only say that my experience is that it is possible.
I guess this isn't the place for it, but from a scientific point of view, I'm quite certain what's after (i.e. I've convinced myself) ...
Fuck that other person. I'm sorry you have to deal with idiots like that here.
I can't imagine what you're going through but just know that you matter and that the world is a better place with you in it. I hope you are doing better and you get the help you need.