About 10 years ago I graduated with a useless degree in mathematics. My dad was homeless in San Diego and I was tired of being unable to help him when he reached out for money for a hotel.

So I enrolled in App Academy. I got a job at Apple and four months later he's killed in a motorcycle accident.

I quit my job, floundered a bit, found sporadic success in startups, had a few breakdowns, spent some time in the hospital, but always went back to work, back to grinding out Python and SQL and other nonsense.

I hate it, to be quite honest. I want off this damn ride. It would probably help if I had family, friends, or mentors to fall back on, but I don't.

So I keep pushing, keep committing, cursing myself out for introducing more bugs, failing to find the spirit to go on fixing things for big mega-corpo customers. And if I stop, I don't have an alternative means of survival.

So it goes.

I'm about to step away I think. I love programming and creativity.

But I'm also about to be made redundant. So I've been job searching. I thought I had an "impressive" CV for 3 YoE - I mean I've built solo stuff with XXX,XXX+ users (and others with XX,XXX and 2 with XXXX users and one with XXX users!!)! But because I don't have C# commercial experience (in NZ) I can't get any jobs. I also had an abusive interview today which pushed me over the edge.

I felt like meeting "god" after that traumatic interview experience and the state of things (like the indigenous people having their treaty destroyed by a fucking racist right leaning bastard government). I'm sorry if thats not okay to say on HN, I'm just incredibly sad at the state of the world and it seems my career is about to evaporate and my life with it. I'm partially disabled so that doesn't help, I can't just go out and become a forest ranger or something cool.

I'm probably on several lists now for my comments on the state of the world. Fuck it. All privacy has been destroyed anyway.

I think the thing to realize (which can take 10+ years), is that coding can be a means to an end, and non an end in itself.

You can lean into the business and people side of wherever you work, help people out, mentor the new joiners, try to become a manager if you want. Try to connect with the purpose of the organization. If there's some urgent bug or temporary project, by all means jump in and roll up your sleeves with the coding, but you don't need to be doing it all day, every day, to the exclusion of anything else.

Ultimately, coding is just like accounting, plumbing, sewers, etc., yes, it's "important" and you couldn't have, say, a hotel, restaurant, or city without them, but they're in the background, enabling the _whole thing_ to function. No amount of overachievement by a plumber is going to make for a better restaurant experience.

Perhaps you don't have to "step away" and start from scratch with something new, but you can try to do it less, and do other things more.

I feel you to some extent. I love the challenges and problem-solving but the actual coding part becomes less interesting over time.

I am not quite as far along my career as you but after three failed startup ideas I decided to do freelancing for now. This gives me the opportunity to work on problems that companies really have and while I still code a lot of this is now more focused on the architecture not so much on boring tasks.

Besides that, I also get to see new companies and new projects every couple of months and I am working for myself and not for the secnd vacation home of some boss.

It sounds like consulting could be something you'd enjoy, too.

Also, quitting and finding a new job is really underrated for mental health

I don't code on weekends but 15 years in and I am finding inspiration in the AI tools. I'm so pumped in being extra productive. Especially when working in a new technology, the learning experience is so much better. I can chat back and forth to learn things, I can ship so much faster. I love it. I hope you can find that.

I code for 22 years and be almost 40 years old. Years ago I felt the need for the social aspect in my life and so I started another education path as social councillor beside my 4-day work week with the support of my wife. Now I finished this path and be very happy about it! I won't start changing my professional field yet I have another, better position in my current work and might replace the ceo soon. I look after my coworker and the social balance at my workspace _and_ code. You see, I still code (it's my hobby after all) but my focus shifted somewhat.

I hope you can find your way. If you want to talk just tell me :)

> but returning to coding brings back procrastination and fatigue

This is burnout and psychological support might help.

Maybe focusing on building skills for a career change (or just a career detour or pivot) would help reignite passion?

I kind of feel you. I also feel that AI is going to be so powerful that most of the developers read it as "all average developers" are going to be in threat.

I am trying to build my own products, trying to build a business around so that money gets taken care of. Then I will code for fun, not for paying bills :)

Sounds like management and mentoring might be a satisfying diversion at this point in your life.

I’m in the middle of reading the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. You might find it worth a try.