Choosing solitude

64 pointsposted 11 hours ago
by robg
(washingtonpost.com)

20 Comments

nuancebydefault

4 hours ago

For some reason, after being own my own for a few days, I start to feel sorry for myself, feel nostalgic and don't take very well care of self anymore. So I'm super lucky, privileged for not being alone.

m463

an hour ago

You need to overcommit for a while, then try doing it again for a few days.

Maybe do it more mindfully the next time? Like do something you have wanted to do alone for a long time, exactly the way you want to.

Or instead of eating poorly and staying in, get outside and hike?

dartos

30 minutes ago

> get outside and hike

God I would love to, but it’s always 85F+ and either raining or >80% humidity. Its miserable outside.

jmbwell

8 hours ago

Alone time I find quite valuable.

Every now and then I find myself with a day or two by myself, having no expectations, nobody to have to coordinate with, nowhere to be at a particular time. It’s incredibly resetting.

I know it’s valuable because when I can pull it off, I feel like I’m stealing something.

apwell23

7 hours ago

Joys of being a non parent. I miss those 'open days' :(

kaffekaka

3 hours ago

Can't speak for anyone else of course, but before kids a day with no obligations was mostly just a nice day. With kids it is so much more significant.

My colleagues that don't have kids, they waste their time. Not by doing nothing - that would be awesome - but by creating problems for themselves that end up taking their spare time. It is like they believe they will always have empty days to spare.

m463

an hour ago

Sounds like "youth is wasted on the young" :)

You know your perspective also works in reverse. When I was young I wanted time away from my parents. Now that they're gone, I would love to spend even 5 minutes with them.

balance is a never ending struggle.

plasma_beam

7 hours ago

Au contraire, I get Columbus day off work. None of my kids are off school :) I’ve been looking forward to this coming Monday for months. Those brief periods of solitude must be taken advantage of with kids.

jmbwell

7 hours ago

Being a parent is why I value them

lostemptations5

5 hours ago

You're right though -- all the parents I know desperately want alone time.

riku_iki

17 minutes ago

> Joys of being a non parent. I miss those 'open days' :(

and decade later you will miss 'occupied' days.

randcraw

6 hours ago

Interesting theory. The notion that some expressions of personality are obstructed by social 'noise' and thus benefit from solitude makes a lot of sense. By their reckoning, solitude is positive, voluntary and purposeful, the means to a desired end. In contrast, loneliness is negative, involuntary, a response to the loss of several sources of social support.

The OP (and others) suggest solitude's desiderata to be: 1) pursuit of a personal passion, and 2) disinterest in affirmation (or criticism) from others, 3) the belief that this journey will be preferable when taken alone.

Do the terms introvert and extrovert capture such personality quirks usefully? And are solitude and loneliness synonymous? I've long thought not.

As I understand the terms (informally), introverts are drained of energy when in a group while extroverts gain energy. But by that definition, loneliness should arise only when extroverts go it alone. Introverts should be immune. But not so, so there must be more to the story.

The best work I've read on the complexities of introversion and the merits of solitude is Susan Cain's marvelous book, "Quiet". As I recall, it confirms the OP's thesis.

wklm

8 hours ago

I'm wondering if it works the same way if the solitude is choosing you.

tayo42

8 hours ago

The first line under the article headline says solitude isn't the same as loneliness.

moralestapia

7 hours ago

And I assume you understand that ... ?

Why are you replying to GP's comment that is not talking about loneliness but solitude?

Zooti

6 hours ago

What exactly is it meant by Solitude choosing you? To me that sounds like involuntary time spent alone, solitude chasing you, which could also be understood as loneliness.

moralestapia

2 hours ago

You are sent to Antarctica for 3 months.

You don't feel lonely but the contrary, you are quite excited.

You come back and write a blog post titled "I found my true self during an unexpected trip in solitude" or something.

nuancebydefault

4 hours ago

Weird that this good curiosity got downvoted... for some reason when you say "I wonder" on HN it tends to be taken as if you're being sarcastic or something the like.