Just had a cancer diagnosis (bile duct, I'm 53). Surgery in a months time will hopefully see me healthy again after it, but I've already decided to make changes even if it has spread and I only have a much shorter time to live.

I always thought I'd contemplated life and death before this (I am not religious), but having had several weeks of genuinely not knowing if I only had a week to live, I think you only really do this fully in that kind of situation. Even if I am cured, my life and attitude will never be the same again.

About six years ago, my seven year old son passed away: he had liver cancer at a really young age, had a full liver transplant at six months, and lost all hearing as a side effect of the anti-rejection medications. It was a sudden turn -- he was participating in his school's holiday program on a Friday (spending the rest of the afternoon with me at work on his iPad because neither mom or the babysitter could pick him up) and had passed on a Wednesday.

My job at the time gave me three days off before calling to ask me if I could come back to work, with my boss and HR on the line telling me that they also 'gave me the weekend' (since I was on-call when it happened). When I said that I needed more time away in order to deal with it, they fired me, then begged me to come back as a contractor a few months later.

I was so upset over the things that happened that I turned them down -- it wasn't what I wanted to do and it wasn't how I wanted to be treated: I'm much more selective about where I'm working at these days.

I have a 10 year old daughter with a very rare genetic condition. She has no one to care for her if I pass away. She can't yet talk and operates at a 2year old level, autism is just one of the side effects of this genetic condition. She has learning challenges as well, can't read, write or understand very well. I need to leave behind substantial assets or money for her for her long term care. I would love to retire early too but I don't seem to have that luxury because if I do, I don't know what I will leave behind for my daughter's care. I've switched several jobs over the past decade only to find that there is nothing fulfilling from a job perspective. Nothing that adds value to other people's lives or even to my own, aside from a paycheck to pay for my own funeral and my daughter's future care. When the time comes I don't know how my daughter would manage my funeral and which bad people will try to take away everything that I leave behind for her for her care. I can't afford to give away 30% of my worth to law firms that will allegedly guarantee my daughter will be safe from some money hungry assisted living centers or other such nasty organizations and opening a special needs trust fund is equally expensive. I think I'll work my whole life or whatever is left of it, I'm 43 and also work in tech and this is a dying industry with AI taking up so many jobs like automation did in the automotive industry.So I'm not sure how many more good years I'll be able to work for, so I'm just going to put my head down and work humbly while I can.

The main issue with turning the dial to "life" early is that your peer group usually hasn't. My peers spend most of their time on work: sometimes to pay the bills, sometimes for status laddering, sometimes for reasons I don't get.

I have found friends that are less focused on work - sometimes because they have more control over their hours and sometimes because they are past retirement age and sometimes because they don't work for other reasons.

I'm looking forward to the next decade+ as maybe more of my peer group friends will choose (or be able to choose) to do less work hours/days.

Sadly it often takes a devastating life event to make us rethink our position and priorities in life.

We work to live, not live to work, and don't you let any overachieving founder mode startup bro sell you otherwise.

Sorry for the author's loss.

> I am taking my work/life balance and turning the dial all the way to “life”.

That is an awesome way to put it.

We don't often hear about everyone's troubles and trauma. And seeing it written down is surely nothing compared to living through it. But there is a lot of it out there, whether we know about it or not, so when people go through it... I heartily approve of recognizing that life is more important than work, and knowing when to adjust that dial.

I found out a week ago that my partner has stage 4 sarcoma. The prognosis is poor. It's been difficult because we have a 1 year old toddler, so naturally we can't go out and do something big without it affecting them. Furthermore, the cancer has inhibited her ability to move.

At first it was complete shock. The next few days were complete confusion and sadness. However, I think one thing you learn pretty quickly is that acceptance is the only path forward, and that if you don't accept early, you will only get worse. I'm really grateful that I've had many, many years of therapy prior to this, so that I at least can identify the tools to bring me back out of the grief.

I would say that I'm somewhat stable now. I don't necessarily fear what might happen in the future, although grim. Have my feelings changed? Not necessarily, but they don't affect me in the same way they used to. I let them be there, however I do not attempt to push them away or let them consume me. A few days prior I would struggle to wake up in the morning, however after going through therapy I can usually wake up early.

If anyone is struggling, I would recommend a book called "The Happiness Trap" it's been instrumental in getting my mind back on track.

Fuck.

I had Bruce as a teacher in one of our early CS classes at college, he showed us all sorts of black-magic performance tricks (at least as it appeared to us at the time) and that curiosity in wanting to understand the how/why played a large part in where I am today.

I don't know if it's any consolation but I know he had an outsized impact on a number of us back then.

Reading or seeing things like this on the internet also makes me reflect on my life and think about what my priorities should be, and I'm not really in a financial position where I can just retire and turn the dial all to way to "life" but the best thing I can learn from this is to appreciate the little things in life. Like living in a first world country, having food to eat, hot showers, a bed, good health, etc.

I retired early this year. My advice to anyone seeking to do so is think clearly about it. Because once you do it, you can never go back to that world. The world of waking up early, having a boss tell you what to do, going to meetings that mean absolutely nothing, running on that hamster wheel, seems so trite and meaningless afterwards. That's a good thing, but you can never go back. Then it becomes time to concentrate on what life is really about- your health, your relationships, having fun and discovering what life is like without that tether on your ankle. Everyone isn't cut out for that, some need that hamster wheel. The best people are cut out for it. :)

I’m very sorry to hear that. It’s always sad to read posts like this one, as the time goes by, it hits me how I’ll relate to it sooner or later. Apologies for rambling below —

I’m much younger (late 20s), don’t have too many worries in life as my parents, albeit older, still alive, my siblings are fine, friends are okay, don’t have that many financial troubles either at this point.

That being said, a couple of years ago I got a text about a high school friend of mine passing away after years of fighting cancer. It was one of the weirdest emotions I’ve ever felt in my life, and I couldn’t (still can’t) understand why. I’ve seen my grandparents passing away in front of me, I’ve been to funerals, yet this one hit like a brick. At that point, it would’ve been about 10 years since I’ve talked to that friend of mine, maybe just exchanging some happy birthday messages from time to time. But we were fairly close in middle school, and later in high school as well, just the life drifted us apart, living in different cities and etc. Yet I remember the moment I read the text how he passed away. I remember being on a plane, and my entire mind being completely clouded for a week afterwards.

It’s like a sudden realization of how life can be very short for some of us, and you can lose people out of nowhere. I understand I’ve been lucky enough to never experience it until that point of my life, but it really sucked. And it just sucks knowing how it’ll happen more and more, or might even happen to me.

Anyways, it’s been about 2 years now, and I’ve lost all of my ambitions wrt my career. Took about 6 months off as well, which made me realize how small and fun the world is. I know for a fact I won’t be able to enjoy it as much in 30 years. But unfortunately I’m not at the point where I can do whatever I want yet.

Until then, every work day is just a repeat of things I don’t care about, followed by 10-20km walks to feel something. I wish it wasn’t the case, because I consider myself slightly above average in terms of skills and getting things done. Every morning I wake up thinking if I found just one thing that I could throw my life or at least a couple years at, I would do a decent job. But it’s hard to convince myself that anything matters. Then I remember how people that I hold dear to myself might be gone as well, and it becomes another day of spiralling.

Anyways, sorry for Sunday morning trauma dumping, but reading the OP’s story made me reflect on myself for a minute. Thank you.

This is the person who was in the news a few years ago for commuting to Google campus using 19 different methods in 19 days

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZWftDrwY2U

Probably unpopular opinion here, but I hope OP feels blessed that he can retire to take care of himself and dial up his life after such a terrible event. Not all of us have that option. For most people, if someone in our family god forbid suddenly died, we would not be able to just take a month here to grieve, then another month there, then 3 more months, then just decide to retire. That is a rare privilege. The rest of us have to get right back to the grind while doing the terrible job of picking up the pieces during the evenings and weekends.

I really envy people who lucked out in tech and can simply decide to retire like this. I guess I would say to the author (and others here in the comment section who somehow have $5M liquid saved up): "Turn your work/life dial over to life and move on as you are planning, but please be grateful and thankful that you ended up with such outlier financial results that allow you to do so." I think it's good for people who have these kinds of options to take a step back, reflect, and recognize how lucky they are.

Like most, I know I will probably be having to work until something disables me and prevents me from working, regardless of what tragedies life decides to throw at me.

I sold my first company at 25 (25 years ago almost to the day now) and that was retirement money and then some (I cannot spend the yearly interest let's say), but i've never been interested in retiring. I like doing what I do and can't see myself ever quitting; if I do, I probably will be writing 8 bit shmups for 80s systems. Aka; building things.

The premise that your life should be work until 65 and then you can finally do what you want is so depressing to me. I have goals beyond just doing what I want, but it all just seems like an endless rat race i can never win as I chase money/prestige in order to accomplish those goals or those things serve as a nice but ultimately meaningless byproduct of accomplishing those goals while my life slips away.

Always enjoyed this blog. The post on thermal throttling stands out as a fun one, but there were many others. Hopefully Bruce comes back to writing at some point after some recovery time.

I'm contemplating retirement. I find myself ostensibly in a workplace of high personal relevance, but it's going in the wrong direction, largely I think due to layers of disconnected professionalization that are supposed to have the answers, but the result is just a race to the bottom.

I'd like to have more cash before retiring, but it'd be ok with a bit of restraint. It's mostly up to finding a good lifestyle.

Thing is, I still enjoy 'tech;' the activity of programming, writing tests, designing things (even building workstations), constant learning, and the larger potential it brings to more than technical people, tied in with the sometimes distant idea that a more participatory world can be fairer and more peaceful.

I wonder if an engaging hobby will appear that combines elements of free software, wikipedia, non-dominating personal perspective, and problem solving. People like solving puzzles, maybe we can help solve other people's puzzles too.

I'm surprised it hasn't happened so far, but contributory culture has been abducted so many times, and the intentionally free/open world hasn't been very good at course correction. Which isn't surprising considering other powerful interests, including professionalization and the way "startups" took over with their compartmentalize and cash-out energy, the tech giants, and now of course AI (which could be part of a helpful system). "Sensemaking" was a thing for a while, but it's not really talked about anymore.

That sucks, what he went through. That happens to a lot of people. As we get older, it tends to happen more often.

Sounds like he made exactly the correct choice. I support him in continuing to make correct choices. This is but the first of many.

I did it, myself, but not by choice. I was "frozen out" of the tech industry, after leaving a very long-term job.

It absolutely infuriated me, at first, but, in the aggregate, it has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It also coincided with close family members having some health issues, so my being available has been beneficial.

In my case, I really enjoy programming and tech; just not when it is being ruined by terrible managers and coworkers. I was really starting to hate what I did, and having full control of my own process, made all the difference.

For one thing, it showed that I was usually right, in my personal philosophies, which were regularly disparaged by said managers. When given the chance to practice my own personal Process, things have been going very well, indeed.

So I get to work for free. It's a blast. I've gotten more accomplished, in the seven years, since I was pushed out, than I did, in the thirty preceding years.

In my case, I am involved in organizations that constantly surround me with people with whom I have very intimate relationships. Socializing isn't a problem; but I understand that it can be a real issue for retired people. This goes double, for ones that have the means to wall themselves off from others.

I do know a number of folks that preceded me, in retirement, after long, lucrative careers. Most, were dead within five years of retirement.

In my case, I feel that I'm just getting started.

Sorry for your loss. Not that saying it makes it better, but I am.

Financially, you can retire. one less thing to add to the destruction.

If there's a bilionare here willing to give me a basic income until I pass, let me know. You could even give me a condition like doing social or creative work. The corporate world is tiring, and time flies by.

I'm sorry the OP has to endure this. Grief is long.

The story reminds me that busy people don't seek health care enough (not saying it would have changed anything in this case).

We wait until something is so bad that we can't work. But we really don't want to wait.

Roughly speaking, health care can prevent many, many things, but it's rare that it can solve something once it's so bad that it actually interferes with life or work. So the real efficacy of health care lies in prevention and early intervention.

It's natural to be prone to choosing the urgent over the important. That's why you should counter by encouraging those in your circle to take care, since you would never de-prioritize the important for your loved ones. So get them to do it, and do it for them.

Preventative care is mostly a matter of self-education (based on real sources), self-monitoring, and nurturing good active providers. It's not strongly limited by resources. It includes building trust within your biological family to share genetic risks and disease incidence. Knowledge and monitoring should increase your confidence and peace of mind (i.e., if you find it making you anxious, then it's existential anxiety directed at health, which should be otherwise addressed). And there may not be a "payback" because you may never know what problems you prevented; the only feedback would be relief from catching something early enough to do something about it. So it's not part of the reward system feedback loop; just do it on principle, based on the efficacy profile of health care with prevention and early detection.

First of all, truly sorry to the author for what happened to them, it is devastating, and something that indeed will shake your world and priorities.

Any advice for people who are not finding the courage to quit, despite probably having the financial means to do so?

I came from very humble origins and moved to Silicon Valley from another country and have a gained a fairly solid financial situation, by having accumulated $5.5M liquid with expenses of around $50k (no kids, no mortgage, just a loving girlfriend).

I am so unhappy with work. I have changed 3 employers over the past 4 years and I’ve been more and more depressed with each transition. I spend my life in a state of immense disappointment about having to work. I am not even passionate about software anymore, so it’s not only the corporate madness (meetings, offices, coworkers, bosses, pressure to perform, code reviewers, etc). My weekends are filled with anxiety about Mondays.

I haven’t quit yet because everyone is telling me not to: my parents, still living in another country, are telling me to milk it until I am 45 (38 now), the few close friends I have are telling me not to squander the opportunity to earn until I get to $10-$15M due to real estate/healthcare/lifestyle costs going up (especially if I revisit the decision not to have kids, which I don’t think I will), and even financial communities like bogleheads/fire subs are telling me it’s not time yet and that I need to accumulate more given my privileged position.

I’ve tried a couple therapist but it didn’t work for me.

I also do not have anything to retire to: no particular passions, or hobbies. I just dream of spending a life of slow breakfasts, hiking on Monday mornings to celebrate a new week, reading books, slow traveling, and spending more time close to my aging parents.

I need to comeback and read this post regularly to remind myself of ..Life, death, and retirement.

If you've never contemplated the value of your life, an encounter with death awakens novel feelings and thoughts, and may lead to changes in meaning.

But changes can't escape your circumstances, which you must suffer nonetheless. Make any change in priorities and you're still as beholden to your life's vicissitudes.

It's common with death to find sudden compassion for self and others, and a compassionate disposition may lead to remarkable changes of feelings about life and attenuate obsessive responses. This is not necessarily good.

All thinking about death misapprehends the finality of death for thought.

You can learn do what you want, but you can't conserve time. Life can't be optimized. Moreover, an efficient world would have prevented your existence in the first place.

But there are trails left by others to follow.

The time to make things right for yourself and others is always here and now. In any situation, there's a chance things can improve because you're here. And if you can't make things right here and now, maybe you can elsewhere later.

Going for treatment? Appreciate the work of those treating you.

Not going for treatment? Appreciate being of service to others.

Don't understand the importance of your work? You have something to work on.

Others don't understand where you're coming from? Be on lookout for others who need attention.

Pass on enjoyment.

——

Bob Dylan:

The man in me will do nearly any task And as for compensation, there's a little he would ask

It take a woman like you To get through to the man in me

Storm clouds are raging all around my door I think to myself I might not take it any more

Take a woman like your kind To find the man in me

But, oh, what a wonderful feeling Just to know that you are near It sets my a heart a-reeling From my toes up to my ears

The man in me will hide sometimes to keep from bein' seen But that's just because he doesn't wanna turn into some machine

It take a woman like you To get through to the man in me

That sounds like a terrible year. I feel sorry for the poster. Life can come at you fast and sometimes I feel like I’m just bracing myself for such a life changing event.

I too was at Google. But for 7 years, not 10. And my employment terminated in April, not because of a life event like his.

But the feelings he expressed resonate with me. I stopped enjoying work and my performance tanked coinciding with a reorg and manager change.

I did not miss my job which just a couple years ago I actually enjoyed.

I wasn’t seriously thinking of leaving my job. Being pushed out forced me to evaluate what I do if that happened - which it did. And that evaluation is that I’m a lot happier and can reset what I want from life - it doesn’t have to be full on retirement.

I have always thought about life in the long go term. What legacy do I want to leave, how do I want to spend the last years, what do I want the late years to look like with my wife.

Sometimes it takes the outside world to force you into the next thing. Life does not discriminate but the best you can do is take a big step back and try to find a new lens to look at it through. There are many lenses.

happy he is enjoying retirement. I hope to join his ranks shortly

but for most of the people you work with in tech, retirement will just be a fantasy

it is common for my coworkers to be forever-renters now, even those in their late forties and fifties...I don't see how you can stop working if you have to pay increasing rents over time

its crazy how having kids, owning a home, and retiring all became privilege flexes